Sleepless: disturbing obstructive flaws

This morning, I don’t know what brought me to suddenly thinking about what’s hurting me. I’m feeling down, yet again, I’m surviving well.

Causing another insomnia. I was really feeling sleepy and ready to sleep, but my mind was really active. After an hour of lying down with eye mask and changing of comfortable positions, I tried turning on music, still, to no avail.

Was just having a thought through what I’ve done and gone nowhere so far. also about the negativity I’ve brought to others. and also having constant uncontrollable self-discriminations.

I was thinking all about my flaws, they’re all terrible. I always have a lot conversations in my mind with myself. I would love to share all of it. But I can’t even speak when I have the chances to. I always failed to bring myself to speak my mind. Always successfully blank out. And speechless. Honestly, speechless.

I hate this, a lot. During secondary school, I always thought it’s just because I’m uncomfortable in speaking English. But I realised I’m neither good at Mandarin too. I just couldn’t bring myself to speak smoothly like many people do, and I always feel that I am being too boring and not appealing when I speak, without fail. This is when I hoped I said nothing. I realised too, sometimes I repeat things that I’ve mentioned because I get awkward, and I would seem stupid and illogical. And then being anxious about giving a stupid impression to others.

The flaws. All the flaws. I know nobody’s perfect, but these flaws are obstructing me from stepping closer to my dreams ಥ_ಥ script and lines make 50% of my dream (;´༎ຶД༎ຶ`)

Horrible weight at heart.

✍🏻💭As if I’ve been prisoned

I’m free but to the whole new world

There ain’t space for me

I know no one but the pathetic me

Living trying to forget what has happened in the past few years of losing my mind

Waking up to a whole new world

Society has gone far forward

Friends became acquaintances

Acquaintances became strangers

An adult with no history

An adult with no career

An adult with blank page of present

As if I’ve been prisoned, now

In the loss of directions

I’m free, but no where to go

I’m free, but where’s my home

I’m free, but I’m lost

I was lost for a very long time,

Now, I found my dream.

A fresh new start

But friend, do you see me?

Home, how long to get to reach you?

Nature VS Nurture. Where do you stand?

There’s a person who made a video saying Bilingual people have more than one personality.

I replied with a disagreement. I said, there’s no direct relationship between being bilingual and having more than one personality.

He said, there’s studies about it.

I said: If so, then it’s only one of the many factors, but never the main factor.

He continued explaining, adding on with an open possibility of ‘maybe multiple personality isn’t the best word.’

I continued: Good to keep an open mind to other possibilities 😀 there’re too much environmental differences to consider.

Here’s what he replied with.

So, nature or nurture? I’ve been keeping my awareness on nurturing for quite a long time. Nurture plays a veeeeeery huge part, I would say, 30 70. But the reality taught me human beings are not all reliable even when it comes to nurturing their own babies/child. Nature also plays an important part in life. So I would say… 50 50. Well, depends on how ‘perfect’ we want our child or the future generations be, or how much time we want them to waste in life.

We can’t always keep on track with nature. What we, human beings, could work on is nurturing, which I believe the quality of practises and level of knowledge is getting better. But there are still too many unseen sides to many people in this world: the mental and the neurodiverse. We are still not being seen, many of us are still kept hidden and unaccepted like an alien.

Without being known, there would be that part of the human beings that would live as statues. No helping hands, no bright route that we could see.

We either step a voice out, or we’ll only have to wait for imaginary miracle and let the nature take its lead.

What does being a realist or a dreamer means?

I thought I’m a realist

Always thinking about what’s actually happening in our world, always thinking about the worst situations that could happen.

Destructive assumptions.

Stereotyping the difference between female and male. Pointing down to one of it, and boasting oneself’s belongingness.

Attacking ideology differences, war between everybody.

Nonsense, crimes, injuries, murders.

How I wish, there’s no pointing out of ‘woman or man,’

If there’s no hurtful ambition that sacrifices humanity or love or any kind of relationship

If there’s no selfishness

If there’s no disrespect to lives

If there’s only equality in everyone’s heart

If there’s only wiseness in everyone

If everybody knows what being respectful is

If everyone knows how to take every life seriously to heart

If there is no judgment along with ideological differences

If humanity never dies in everyone

If the greediness isn’t as tempting as it is for human beings

There wouldn’t be so much cruelty.. bad things.. happening around in this world, created by human beings.

And there would be less grumbles from the lost innocent souls wandering around looking for revenge from us who’re still living as human beings

There would probably be less ‘accidents’ that cost countless of lives a day.

There would probably be less loans that we have to pay for, including our lives, or the quality of our lives, standard of living, quality of our happiness.

In fact I’m actually a dreamer

Am I only a dreamer? Am I? Am I alone in this?

What is ‘hobby’ to you?

There are many things that I don’t know how to. Like, what are my hobbies? I don’t know whether drawing or painting is considered as hobbies. What do you considered as your hobbies? What is hobby defined as for you? By how often you do it? Or by how much you love it and can’t live without it? Or by the things you would do in your free time? Or by the things that you CAN do when you’re free?

Well, I know anything related to film and on-screen acting definitely is for sure.

There are many things that you people don’t know about what goes through in my head.

There are many things that I realise people around me can’t name or comment about the me as friends…….. ? 😐 …..

Like… if I were to ask a simple ‘how much do you know about him/her’ question.. I am really so afraid that I would cut this kind of questionnaire out of my life. Even though I would really wanna know pretty much T.T

And then once again I remind myself that nobody needs to really know about me, except for the invisible soulmate. I am still gonna be alive ╮( ´▽`)╭

Noises

I don’t know why, I have issues with listening to speeches, I need to take full focus by hard in order to get their speech into my head, especially with people who I hear for the first few times. I guessed that I could actually understand them after getting used to their voice or speeches. I have no idea why and how, still. I often need to ask people a lot of times to repeat what they say, which I think this made me look really stupid or I would worry they would think that I’m not taking them seriously.

Annoyed by sudden loud noises, blenders/vacuums/sweeping of floors/chewing especially with mouth open/ too many sounds at the same time.

I’ve no talent in music, but I love it and I seem to know what sounds right and what doesn’t, but I could never identify notes, at the most I could only identify whether it is Minor note or not. I love listening to songs, but I can’t catch the lyrics unless I search for it and read it word by word.

I love writing more than any other communications, but
Sometimes I think it’s a little ironic. I love writing but I don’t like reading much especially looking at a page full of words is so painful (unless it’s something I’m very interested in or trying to find out as research/discovery) I would usually go with images or even films-related.

I read really really really slow. That’s why I don’t like reading books, and I was surprised to know people reading stacks of books everyday do exist. A text of 50 words could take me minutes, sometimes faster, sometimes even slower than usual. I have to focus really really hard to finish reading which could trigger anxiety sometimes, tiring! It’s not that I hate reading books, I just hate the tiring and awful process of not being able to read like how many people read with so much peace, and the process of forcing myself to focus sooooo damn hard just for those words. Level of tension could vary depending on the surrounding at that point of time, whether it is too noisy or noisy, but not able to read at quicker speed could still happen with complete silence. Hmm.

Aspien Girl Getting Her School Grades

During Primary School

I was studying in an international school (which was when I have never passed any tests once, I was totally in my own world and never pay any attention to lessons. The results marked red in Report Book is shocking) in Kuala Lumpur before I moved to Singapore. I had a repeated Primary 3 after a long period of time having home tuition before officially transferred. I ‘came to my senses’ around this period of time.

I knew a little of what I was doing in school. In Math class, I gained confidence because it felt like I was repeating, (in fact yes, but I go by intuition so.. I used ‘felt’) I had impressions of what I learned. However, in Primary 4 and 5 onwards, there was nothing much that I could really ace.. I was put into a better class, but never the best. But it’s okay, cus I was put into the best class for Mathematics before for a period of time. It was hectic and stressful!! Because the teacher would challenge her students to mentally calculate as quickly as possible. She would call any random student out. I literally forced myself to pay full attention or trying to predict what’s gonna come to me every single second, and a great relief when the bell rings for next lesson. Mentally drained, and physically drained from all the nervous shivers.

I remember when I received my examination grades for other subjects, I didn’t do well. It was either a borderline fail or a borderline pass. I felt terribly bad, pressured that mum would be disappointed. It really hurts every time I thought I was gonna disappoint my mum.

During Secondary School

Mostly, it was kind of a peer pressure, because I noticed I had difficulty in learning with the same amount of effort that everybody puts in. I’m not a person who likes to compare, but I do see differences a lot. I was just comforted that I wasn’t the last one, but I knew the grades aren’t good. I wouldn’t forgive myself whenever I score under 50% on average. I did best in Mathematics but I was disappointed by myself cus I let my guard down and started feeling confused. But my Mathematics was usually the highest that I could score compared to the rest of the subject.

I lagged behind more and more. The fact that I had a friend who also lagged behind comforted me a little, but when there was improvement in her result, I struggled alot inside too. I noticed my grades didn’t improve even when I had group tuition after school or put in effort, though private tuition did helped quite a bit (in understanding what was being taught.) I made decision to request to quit tuitions because I noticed things would stay the same and it was extra pressuring on the mental effort that I put into. I always get really exhausted rushing myself to tuitions and stressed about the extra homework given by tutors, and I ran out of stamina after awhile and would usually feel very sleepy and mentally tired.

I was reaching a young adult stage by that time. (All time anxious girl.) I was quite clear about how my study pattern works generally. I rather spend the time to self study and made extra focus on my textbooks and notes that I received. I made extra effort to self study for N And O levels and realised that there’s so many things I missed in class unknowingly. I was like… “Oh…..! This is how it is… Why didn’t I knew that earlier? Why am I sooooo slow? I finally understood something that was being taught years ago…”

During Tertiary School

Things were getting tough. My anxiety got worse, I noticed I was telling myself this every single day and night before sleep “Another day of crying. When will the day with no crying records come?” Yes, I was undergoing depression. I often had to move around a lot to calm myself down in class, put pressure on something, squeeze my muscles hard, clenching fists hard, poking skin with my nails, lifting my body weight up with my arms on the chair’s armrest etc. Sometimes I even couldn’t help it crying in class but appearing like I’m just having a nap while resting on the table with my face covered with crossed arms.

I chose a course that was not my primary interest. I was objected for my main interest (acting) and I chose Hotels and Hospitality Management mainly because it was something that I am quite familiar with from all the family travel experiences I had since young. (One of the module attracted my interest, I thought it was bartending or wine knowledge but… never mind) I thought it not really foreign to me compared to other courses, and maybe I could gain something from it. I thought if I could finish this course, I could at least have a second chance in my career if I fail in Acting industry, also mainly to comfort my mum that I will not be in a danger zone in future career path.

But things weren’t as smooth as I thought. Reality only proved that I coundn’t learn things about businesses and I even had no idea how other people were doing so well in understanding and giving ideas and opinions so easily. (And about the bartending and wine that caught my interest… I was wrong, bartending was just a very little small portion of the module…. I hated the module a lot, because it was about restaurant services… There’s once a week real hands-on restaurant operation. It was mentally draining, I failed to attend the class a lot.) Eventually, of all the modules, I started to lag behind and always trying to find alternative ways to learn better, but all I could do was to study harder, forced myself to focus harder, it was tough to even speak up to ask for notes that were prepared by classmates, and betting every time to understand and answer questions correctly in examinations.

In the mean time, traveling and attending acting courses after and outside school gave me happy times. Sometimes dance classes was a little motivating. even thou the environment did gave me pressure when I started losing friends or realised that I don’t have long lasting friends. I started to get reluctant in attending dance classes but the will to learn and make progression did pushed me a little.)

I always thought that I’m just someone who’s not meant for studies, I had no plans in studying for degree too, until I thought of studying Filmmaking or Acting. I see myself being an actress or a filmmaker in future, but I always process and progress late. I always notice the norms late, partly because I don’t speak up to communicate. When I do so, it would be because people around me are either not being supportive or they’ve no much idea or informations about the industry. Or I am just not good enough..

P/s. I did not sleep the night before yesterday, I tried to stay awake so I could sleep earlier last night. I did had a tiring 2 hours nap yesterday evening though. Managed to sleep at 2am last night but woke up at 5am by a nature call and my brain was activated energetically, so I decided to put my eye mask away, typing my thoughts here. There ya gooooooo. Initially I was thinking about video making, but I had to draft it out before I could ease my mind. As I typed a short one as draft, while my mind was still on-going, it has became a really loooooong post here.

Lunch with mum, the truth has been revealed.

原来我一直都被蒙在鼓里。我妈早就知道了。她说她好像有跟我说过,可能是我当时小时候专注力不足没注意听。后来还说因为我不信,她才不说。

So, I am actually diagnosed with Asperger. My mum noticed that something wasn’t right when I was a toddler. I tend to hide myself when I see strangers, and play with myself often in a quiet room.

Because there was ‘improvement’ seen when I was around 10y/o, she thought I’ve been ‘cured’, she thought I’ve became ‘normal’. That was the time that I thought I started to came to my senses since then, because I started to gain the awareness around me and studies.

But fact is, my talent in masking was just truly incredible.

其实…我经历了什么?*回想ing*