Log: Sleepless

05:00 +/- Cl

06:15 +/- Still having hard time falling asleep, decided to turn on a random playlist of lofi

07:37 I looked at the time again before I finally fell asleep

10:30 +/- I gained my conscious in sleep knowing I’m not sleeping well

12:10 +/- I woke up again, the music’s still playing which played a part in reminding me to stay calm, decided to turn myself towards the phone, looked at the time browse my notification centre a lil bit just before my mum came in, she let me stay home so I could sleep. But agh… not being able to stay asleep in proper is really frustrating. I could still my heart beats heavily, densely, and an empty stomach, feeling thirsty.

My view at 12:24

Keeping Anxiety To Oneself

I’ve been taking down records of my well-being since 22nd of April.

Without a miss, I’m anxious everyday, so far. Some times I felt my heartbeat being heavy, I measured and it ranged from 84 to 107. May in the normal range, but oh y’know how it feels as of what I mean.

(I did nothing, no exercises before I measured, not even brief walk and I was just plainly seated down at my aunt’s work place as I placed my two fingers on either my wrist, inner elbow or my neck for the pulses.)

Maybe because I’ve been spending more time with my mum than privately alone compared to before as I used to and kept everything only to myself (there were some things would be kept silent for very long time until I decided to share with anyone just like my shopping behaviour as well), I started to make a soft announcement or just simply a comment whenever it came, “It’s beating fast.” The next time, “It’s beating fast.” Or after some time and blurted “It’s beating fast again.”

Just like when a kid says “mummy, candy” “mummy, peepee” “mummy, pain” “mummy, happy” “mummy, yay” kind of thingy.

Minutes ago I told my mum again when I felt it beating heavily, “my heartbeat’s fast” She said, let’s take you to doctor. *Here goes myself sighing in my heart*

How do I put it? I’m fine, but I may not be. I don’t know, but I’m fine. I’ve been going through this everyday since as a kid, and I’m still here right? Or is there any way that I could have these problems go away without taking medications that potentially cause side effects? If yes, oh definitely I would love it. But I so far do not believe there’s such a case. So I guess, ‘I’m fine and thanks’?

I’m just so sure I’ve had this, but I don’t wanna be open about it and startle her and questioned herself or giving extra thoughts about future.

Sittin’ Here Gave Me Wonderful Thoughts

Times like this, I don’t know whether it’s frustrations or the anxiety kicked off.

It’s quite bad. From 1 to 5, I’d say 4.9.

I could even feel my intestine’s working up.

Oh, then it’s probably the anxiety, which also led me to frustrations at this moment where I’m sitting at the Starbucks, chatters of numerous people at the same time, mixing machines, clicking clanging of silverwares, the music through sound system that sounds pretty fine, other music from the outdoor.

I really love just sitting at a cafe. Why Starbucks? It’s costly if I were to visit every time I feel like it. because it’s the only place I know where there’s dairy-free drinks here.

So am I vegan? Not really. I’ve been avoiding dairy products, but I know I can’t avoid completely if I were outside, so I can’t claim myself vegan if I can’t guarantee 100% that I would definitely get dairy-free processed products since this is not at all a common choice in the country.

And so far, I’m the only one in my family who’s avoiding dairy now.

I was the one who made my mum changed her diet from vegetarian to eggless-vegetarian diet. And we still have some calcium rich dairy products which were bought one to two years ago, since it was bought and owned, and I personally wouldn’t want to share with others [in a way it’s a (whether indirect or not) form of creating an dairy content product awareness] I would rather have my mum finish it instead although she bought it for me so I could gain calciums and all, but she’s ageing.

She’s ageing. She’s really ageing. …

I’ve been so aware since two years ago. You know the worries, or you may in future, or you may know there are people like me out in the world who know it if you couldn’t understand what it’s like.

Just awhile ago, I mentioned to my mum: “when I see dairy milk, it feels the same as looking at meat on my plate.”

*OOPS* I thought. I said it, and I’m affecting her thoughts, I know. Oh nooooooo, I hope she hangs in there and think no more about it. I just wish she gets what she needed.

Whenever I’m out away from home for days or weeks, she doesn’t cook nutritionally for herself. She would just fill her stomach up and continue busy doing her stuffs. When I’m home, she’ll cook for me and it’s when she gets some of the nutritions she hasn’t been getting on days without me. She’s such a mum who puts her love all for her daughter but less for herself. Maybe not less of near to nothing but just less. But being less, is enough of the worrying. (*!!!*)

As much as she wants me to have the best, vice versa.

Please stay safe and healthy and happy, mum. ♡

Chronicle Frequent Shutdowns

I do have the times I shutdown, quite frequently.

It’s also times when I’m to say “don’t talk to me” “don’t approach me” on the inside

Putting it in a nicer way, “don’t expect me to reply at this moment or even for days”

With courteousy: “Sorry, I’m busy. Leave a message and I’ll get back to you when I ‘see’ this.” or which means when I feel okay.

Is there an exception? Probably yes, depends on the situations of either mine or the other party, but usually I don’t look at my phone or any messengers when the time comes.

What Am I To L…

I wanna leave here asap

This place does not belong to me

I do not belong to this place

I do not belong to the place filled with people outside the industry and circle

This isn’t where I belong

I wanna leave right away, but I can’t

I’m being underestimated

I’m not being trusted

I’m not being understood despite living who I am and expressing what I love

I’m not believed.

This is a mental, social jail.

I have my skills, unable to project.

I have my passion, not being taken seriously of.

I have my love, not being accepted.

I have my ideas, unable to have the space to make it true.

I have my dreams, still stuck where I am as the young fades.

How ‘Meaningful’ Could A Word Be

It’s another rainy day.

“这两天都下雨” (Translation: it’s been rainy these two days.

Me: “嗯” (Translation: Mm -agree-)

In my mind: the day before yesterday was raining too. It has been three days, actually. …. oh.. but people like ‘em usually say “two days” for the meaning of “about”….. *sigh*

I do not feel good for knowing people do these kind of ‘about’ or ‘almost’ things on daily basis.

I do not feel good for knowing that many people do not take what comes out from their mouth seriously.

I don’t look like I don’t feel good, I don’t look like I’m bothered by little things like these, but it does not mean the problem doesn’t lies.

Working In The Corner’s

Not because I don’t have teamwork spirit, but I usually do a better job when I’m left alone.

Firstly it lowers down all the possible distractions.

Secondly it lowers down the possible frustrations.

Thirdly it lowers down the anxiety, socially.

Fourthly it lowers down being asked with questions that usually do not make sense to me which is a pain in the arse that I have to again put myself in their shoes to figure out what they’re asking for. Multiple effort needed more than most people.

So as I was being left alone, I get to have some time adjusting myself mentally and emotionally. I eventually managed to do something productive. The continuation of my handmade top.

When the anonymous team members and I were to come together, in the field that I love and obsessed with, I believe I have no problem with that if communications were to be made clear. (◐‿◑) and with enough of personal space.

Microscopic Mind?

Five layers knot and one layer knots.

As I touched this string, I went along my finger tips along it, I felt my mind’s like a microscope. It doesn’t feel good, it’s like *yikes*

I feel like I became tiny instantly that I have no control over. (Somewhat like the dream I mentioned earlier the pst few post or days.)

When I see things I don’t like, I see the microscopic way in my mind. It’s disgusting.

Eg. The moment I see blackish rusty damp furniture somewhere in the corner.

Eg. Pre-washed fruits. Or washed fruits handled by who knows who with who knows level of hygiene? Could be imaginations, could be exactly what I see’s happening, but I have no doubt that it’s not impossible.

All in zoomed view. Sometimes slow motion.

ヽ( ̄д ̄;)ノ=3=3=3

Self Diagnosed Isn’t Enough… To Be Confident Though I Am Certain.

I’m having quite a hard time expressing myself as autistic, because I’m not officially diagnosed by an expert.

Though it is not often to be correctly diagnosed as autistic with a few attempts at getting to the specialist, whether the right or wrong ones.

Since it’s not official, I don’t feel comfortable to claim myself as whether I am or not. Though, after all the researches I’ve studied, I am confident I am. Yes I am self diagnosed, but I can’t bring myself to be comfortable enough to be openly self diagnosed. Not my style… until there are experts making proves out of me.

It’s really sad to have the “specialist” disagreeing when the I know the best about myself, it’s even more disappointing that he said things that I’ve already know about myself really well, and he did not asked many questions that I think he should have asked to be more professional.

I even think that I am already the expert of myself. Oh, I actually am. I do study myself a lot, A L O T. I’m not like most people just living the life blindly even as a kid.

I have the strong feeling that he had already made assumptions and concluded as for the first session we had. And I am very sure he had missed out a lot of points like: when I mentioned about something happened when I was young, he did not think of asking or wanting to know how old could I be at that time. I could have given many specific details but nope. His interest or professionalsm didn’t take us further. He went quite straight to social difficulties which I’ve known that since 2010, and I wouldn’t have been myself today if I had done nothing about it. Unless he is trying to be vague on purpose on the first session. …. That’s another story then.

In any way…….. Depressing.

I knew I should have waited for the fate to meet the better known autistic expert…. but, honestly not much hope in the country. …….. Stereotypical mind is still a lot of a problem here.